he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
