hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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