I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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