I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
