can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
