after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
