Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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