I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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