he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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