Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
