That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
