my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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