im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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