Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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