My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
