Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize