Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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