Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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