Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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