drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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