Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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