a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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