she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
