I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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