you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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