I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
