you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Vodka?
Forever.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
