The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
