why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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