a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
