remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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