mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
