You just made me feel so damn special
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
