I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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