I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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