I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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