good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
