I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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