So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You left your phone here
Wait...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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