You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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