Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
