I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
