he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
