Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I love having hate sex.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
