Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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