I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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