Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
