the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
