its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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