Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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