I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
