I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you told grandpa to call you daddy
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
