He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
