I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
