Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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