She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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