There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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