If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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