Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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