I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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