A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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