Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
