The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
