Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
